Archive for November, 2013

School Pickles

November 26, 2013

Sitting in the library trying to unravel this semester’s school pickle.

Hopefully by fleshing out all my problems for all of my interested readers (sarcasm) I can come up with a plan for dealing with them.

Lab1: Just talked to the TA. He is very “by the book” I am going to get nothing from him without going to ODS. If I ace the final I’ll end up with a 69, but I need a 70. It’s so close I was hoping he’d just have a little pity, but oh well. The final is on the 3rd, so I have a week to coordinate between my doctor, the people at ODS, and my TA, while of course also studying. Studying being the easy part. Of course, what can he even do? I was absent 3 times–which meant that the stuff due on those absences got 50% off.

If he waived the late-penalty I’d get a 71.6. He says he rounds. I should have asked more specifically, since some people round 69.01 to a 70. If I get to actually redo the labs from when I was absent then everything would be peachy… but when exactly I could be scheduled to have all the equipment set up, etc. is kind of a pain. Hence ODS having to be very involved.


Lab2: This TA is much much more friendly and relaxed. Sort of as a consequence of this, I have barely ever showed up or turned anything in. He told me that nothing is ever late. Unfortunately this means I have like 10 lab reports to do in the next few days. I haven’t talked to him yet because this one is even more embarrassing. Basically I’ve abused his good nature and now I have to ask him for a favor just to rescue me from my own abuse of him. I just need to go talk to him. There’s a chance he’ll not give a fuck, and just say “you need to do 1,2,3 and then we’re cool.” I’m not sure if I should talk to him before or after ODS.



Miraculously, I have one of the highest grades in the class, despite doing zero homework. Of course, 45% of the grade is still undetermined. Basically this means that Thanksgiving will be cram-time, but at least it looks like I won’t need any embarrassing ODS accommodations. I tried to get help from this teacher a few semesters ago and he was very unhelpful, but it looks like I won’t need it.

ODS: Before I do anything with the Office of Disability Services, I need some kind of documentation from my doctor. It would be really easy if I was institutionalized or something, but instead I just laid on the couch for a month eating crackers without moving while sleeping 14 hours a day and experiencing a kind of array of various foggy-static vision problems. When your depression gets so bad that you can’t really see very well, something is wrong. But I didn’t get hospitalized because I had someone to take care of me and I wasn’t ever a danger to myself or anyone else. I have to email a person at ODS, and fill out a form online, and possibly meet the person at ODS in their office. I stopped by the other day but they weren’t there, and just asking the secretary for information made my skin almost burn off.

Design: I dropped design, which means that it isn’t as urgent since my GPA isn’t in immediate danger from it. Did I mention that I’m on academic probation? So if I get below a 2.0 two more semesters in a row, I get kicked out of engineering. Of course, IN THEORY I should graduate before then anyway. Anyway, I haven’t spoken to my design professor since I dropped it. At some point I have to do that, and explain the situation, and beg him to let me finish what I started next time. In fact, if he doesn’t let me, then I’m out $300 on parts I bought that the school is supposed to reimburse.

Oh yeah. Speaking of money. Gotta borrow more money.

This is what it comes down to:

  1. Email ODS person. Possibly meet.
  2. Get documentation from doctor and get it to ODS person.
  3. Get ODS person to require accommodations from LAB1 person.
  4. Talk to LAB2 person (email? office?)
  5. Figure out LAB2 accommodations.
  6. Get ODS or doctor talking to LAB2 person if needed.
  7. Ace Lab finals
  8. Ace Controls final
  9. Ace Controls project
  10. Email design professor–get him to talk to ODS person if needed.
  11. Borrow money.

It seems that steps 1 through 6 need to be done in the next 48 hours or so. Some of the order might change.

At some point I could also ask the engineering adviser–who likes me a lot–for some guidance. And possibly ask my actual official adviser, who isn’t too bad either.

I am basically always looking for someone to talk to. I know this sounds selfish but I can’t get any of this stuff done without sounding what I’m about to do off others, specifically very non-judgmental others, before I can psych myself into talking to anyone at all. I’m on google and aim and facebook under my real name.

I don’t know if I can even write this email to the ODS person without help. I feel paralyzed or crippled.


November 25, 2013

When was my last post? Was that Wednesday? I’m still pretty lost but I feel like I have all the tools I need to get through the rest of the semester. I haven’t really made any progress since last post but I’m getting there. I feel like I’ve forgotten how to talk to people. I don’t even remember what I was going to talk about in this post. I guess I just wanted to let everyone know that I’m still alive and it’s gonna be OK.

Freeblogging – Cathartic

November 20, 2013

In 12 minutes I have to leave where am I and go take a test in Control Systems Design for which I am pretty poorly prepared.

I decided to spend every second on these 12 minutes writing everything that comes to mind and post it, because I’ve had some issues recently and free-writing is kind of cathartic in a good way.

Anyway today I’m miserable and it’s the most miserable I’ve been on a single day in quite a long time. I woke up 2 hours after my intent and took half a NuVigil (I usually take half) and then was just uncomfortable but now productive, then I took another half and also a Klonopin and finally got marginally comfortable and felt marginally productive and then went to Starbucks and crammed for 3 straight hours.

Ever since I started Prozac–3 weeks ago?–I’ve been sleeping about 12 hours a day and also napping in the afternoon and being generally recumbent and failing to convince myself to get off the damn couch. NuVigil works well against that tendency but that doesn’t mean it isn’t horribly uncomfortable. Supposedly Prozac is one of the more energizing SSRIs but I’m not sure if I believe it. It can take 4 weeks to adjust so I’m praying that I will soon.

I quit my job when this semester started because I thought it was the only way I could improve my school performance, but I did so badly that I had to drop 6 of the 11 credits I was taking. But while I feel like I’m failing right and left just as much I feel like this isn’t my fault. I feel abandoned by my professor and the other faculty I come in contact with.

My department head wrote a really rude email to me last time I tried to get a grade changed for medical reasons. The problem is that my anxiety is so bad that I can’t even EXPLAIN myself to these people without wanting to die. I need allies or something, to maneuver the awful academic climate. I’m going to (finally) go to the office of disability services (ODS) and ask them for guidance at least.

My professor told me at the beginning of this semester that we’d be working closely together, but he never emailed me once. Whenever I sent him work I’d finished he responded as if he hadn’t read it. I feel abandoned, if not by these individuals whose precise jobs are sometimes hard to define, but by the system as a whole.

But today at least I got some cramming in. Assuming I don’t bomb this test I have a chance for my remaining 5 hours.

I skipped several labs recently, partially because I was dreading this test, so I have to make nice with the lab T.A.s. I’m hoping ODS can help me there.

Technically I’m on academic probation, so if I get a poor GPA this semester I’m toast. But lots of magical things can be done retroactively at the Registrar, so whatever.

Anyway, I just wanted to spew to my random WP friends so you’ll know that I haven’t abandoned WP but rather I’m just going through a time, one of those times you know. I feel like if I survive this week, and the next few, then I’ll be fine.

That’s how I see this, survival–get the tasks done in whichever way makes you the least suicidal. I’m not and never have been suicidal but I don’t know how else to express the type of survival I’m talking about.

Every day is a struggle, but I promise I’ll see you in the next day.

Name Change

November 5, 2013

Thinking about changing my name to something relatively goofy and mostly meaningless to allow a little more anonymity and the ability to blog about more personal stuff that I had originally decided would stay off this blog. It’s not like any of my projects are anywhere near professional enough for this blog to have any bearing on any company I might one day start or other website I might launch.

Anyway yeah “anaraug” is stale and old and needs to go but it isn’t time yet for a name for more pro stuff, so I’ll just come up with something for now, just for here. I’m thinking of stealing “Orolo” from my favorite book, Anathem.


Edit: Apparently “orolo” is taken, despite the subdomain on wordpress not going anywhere. Apparently trying subdomains tells me nothing. :(