Freeblogging – Cathartic

In 12 minutes I have to leave where am I and go take a test in Control Systems Design for which I am pretty poorly prepared.

I decided to spend every second on these 12 minutes writing everything that comes to mind and post it, because I’ve had some issues recently and free-writing is kind of cathartic in a good way.

Anyway today I’m miserable and it’s the most miserable I’ve been on a single day in quite a long time. I woke up 2 hours after my intent and took half a NuVigil (I usually take half) and then was just uncomfortable but now productive, then I took another half and also a Klonopin and finally got marginally comfortable and felt marginally productive and then went to Starbucks and crammed for 3 straight hours.

Ever since I started Prozac–3 weeks ago?–I’ve been sleeping about 12 hours a day and also napping in the afternoon and being generally recumbent and failing to convince myself to get off the damn couch. NuVigil works well against that tendency but that doesn’t mean it isn’t horribly uncomfortable. Supposedly Prozac is one of the more energizing SSRIs but I’m not sure if I believe it. It can take 4 weeks to adjust so I’m praying that I will soon.

I quit my job when this semester started because I thought it was the only way I could improve my school performance, but I did so badly that I had to drop 6 of the 11 credits I was taking. But while I feel like I’m failing right and left just as much I feel like this isn’t my fault. I feel abandoned by my professor and the other faculty I come in contact with.

My department head wrote a really rude email to me last time I tried to get a grade changed for medical reasons. The problem is that my anxiety is so bad that I can’t even EXPLAIN myself to these people without wanting to die. I need allies or something, to maneuver the awful academic climate. I’m going to (finally) go to the office of disability services (ODS) and ask them for guidance at least.

My professor told me at the beginning of this semester that we’d be working closely together, but he never emailed me once. Whenever I sent him work I’d finished he responded as if he hadn’t read it. I feel abandoned, if not by these individuals whose precise jobs are sometimes hard to define, but by the system as a whole.

But today at least I got some cramming in. Assuming I don’t bomb this test I have a chance for my remaining 5 hours.

I skipped several labs recently, partially because I was dreading this test, so I have to make nice with the lab T.A.s. I’m hoping ODS can help me there.

Technically I’m on academic probation, so if I get a poor GPA this semester I’m toast. But lots of magical things can be done retroactively at the Registrar, so whatever.

Anyway, I just wanted to spew to my random WP friends so you’ll know that I haven’t abandoned WP but rather I’m just going through a time, one of those times you know. I feel like if I survive this week, and the next few, then I’ll be fine.

That’s how I see this, survival–get the tasks done in whichever way makes you the least suicidal. I’m not and never have been suicidal but I don’t know how else to express the type of survival I’m talking about.

Every day is a struggle, but I promise I’ll see you in the next day.

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3 Responses to “Freeblogging – Cathartic”

  1. shruggedshoulders Says:

    We all love and support you. If I could, I’d march down to your uni and be your personal advocate! But I’m hopeful that once you navigate the system of ODS, they should be able to be that support to you. This isn’t your fault, and you don’t have to/aren’t going to fight this fight alone.

  2. doesitevenmatter3 Says:

    Hang in there! Take each day as it comes.
    “survival–get the tasks done in whichever way makes you the least suicidal”…I love how you said this. I needed to hear this myself.
    Please know people care about you…we’re rooting for you…we wish you well!
    If you need a mom-type to listen…I’ve got good ears. :-)
    HUGS,
    Carolyn
    adamswoman@yahoo.com

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